For Mae

For Mae,
We call you Mae, but technically, we don't know if you were a girl or not. We never got that chance to meet you, to know you, or to name you correctly. But the day we lost you, I told your dad "let's call her Mae."
I don't know why, but naming you was important to me. Maybe it was because I never got a chance to do much for you. In fact, the only other thing I did for you was I bought you a onesie. That was it. Again, I never got the chance for anything else.

10 Offbeat Romantic Movies to Watch on Valentine's Day

I love movies. And often, I love the weird, offbeat movies more than anything. So I decided to share a list of romantic movies that doesn't include The Notebook (I'm not judging if you like The Notebook, it's just not for me).
This list is perfect for helping you decide on a great movie to see with your sweetheart on Valentine's Day. I'm sure if you're like me, you'll spend your Valentine's Day sitting at home (hoping your child will stay asleep so you and your sugar-lips can cuddle). I'm sure you'll find a great movie on this list to entertain you both.

Tips for the Sick Stay-At-Home Mama

It was the last week of December... I was looking forward to the New Year. I love how the New Year feels like a fresh start and can often be all you need to create a new, healthy habit. I had some super plans... yoga, zoo visits, hanging out with new friends, even a weekend trip.

And then it hit me. I was sick. With a cold.

So I canceled my weekend plans. And put off the yoga. I thought I felt better, but it hit me again. And again and again. Ugh! It was the cold that would never end (in fact, the doc said I had bronchitis).

Suddenly, my whole life felt like it was on hold so I could get better. But wait... not my whole life. I'm a mom. Everyone knows... moms do not get a day off. Especially, a stay-at-home mom with a kiddo too young for school. Damn.

Summer Corn: Recipe Roundup

One of the first things my husband got excited about, as we moved closer and closer to our new home in Colorado, was fresh sweet corn. We both lived in Nebraska for a time and the summer sweet corn was one of the highlights of knowing a lot of farmers. My husband even swears that no other corn is as good as Nebraska sweet corn!
We were lucky enough to snag a bunch from my sister-in-law (she comes from a farming family). I don't mind basic corn on the cob, but eventually, I'm going to need something new and exciting to make it through all this corn! So I decided to round-up some delicious corn recipes from around the web.

I love New York... and I will miss it!

Big thanks to my hubby! He took a few of these pictures!

We lived in New York state for a hot minute. And it was great. 

We moved up there because my husband was transferred within his company from our Florida location to an Upstate New York office. I was very excited to move from Florida because I really did not like Florida. I’m a delicate flower (go ahead, laugh) and I was withering in Florida. It was so damn hot… all of the time. I lived in Northern Florida and it took a while to get to an ocean. And even when we got to the ocean, it was so hot on the sand that I didn’t want to be out there. I’m not a fan of water activities (it’s because I’m a Taurus… we like to be on solid ground), so swimming in the big, scary ocean wasn’t my thing. I’m okay with sitting on the beach if it wasn’t a million degrees out… but I’m getting off track. What I’m trying to say is that I couldn’t get out of Florida fast enough. 

Shadows & Sorrow - Part Three

Healing Through Our Miracle

This is part three of a three-part series about the loss of my twins in July 2014. You can read the details about my loss HERE. This three-part series is just my personal reflections on the events and the anniversary of my loss.

Click here to read part one or click here to read part two.

My husband and I have often wondered what would’ve happened to us if Lincoln had never come along. I became pregnant with him only 3 months after our losses. It definitely was not expected, especially since it took so many years and IVF in order to conceive the twins. But Lincoln… he just came out of nowhere. It may have seemed that he came at a very tumultuous time but I think it saved us. It saved us from the grief that was taking over our minds and bodies. 

Knowing I was pregnant caused me to focus on that and not my losses. Mainly, I focused on not losing Lincoln like I lost the twins. I couldn’t bear to lose another child, so I jumped into gear getting a Transabdominal Cerclage to protect against the incompetent cervix that caused me to lose my twins. That plan worked. I had a completely uneventful pregnancy with Lincoln and I made it to my scheduled c-section. Seriously… it was perfection.

I was traumatized, however. I was a wreck during my pregnancy… I over-analyzed every feeling I had and there were many moments of tearful agony. I did see a counselor through my entire pregnancy and it really did help. I also did a lot of grief projects like photography and journaling. 

As a couple, we also started projects and donations in memory of our twins. Anytime we can include them in our day to day lives it makes them more real. That may seem strange… you may be thinking “of course they were real.” But they were here then gone so fast… sometimes you feel like you may have imagined them. Thankfully, there is proof of them all around me. Proof that they did exist and touch our lives (and others lives). That proof is what I cling to. 

And I love to say their names. I love when others say their names. It causes my heart to swell, practically explodes. It means that they are not forgotten. Gone, but never, ever forgotten.

Siobhan Leannan Ashe Aramayo. Our beautiful little girl.

Ronan Orlando Grey Aramayo. Our beautiful little boy.

Siobhan & Ronan

RESOURCES:

My Pinterest Board about Infertility, Infant Loss

https://www.pinterest.com/LifeUnderClover/infertilitypcosinfant-loss/

Still Standing Magazine

http://stillstandingmag.com/

Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death

https://www.mend.org/

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep - photography services

https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Empty Arms Bereavement Support

http://www.emptyarmsbereavement.org/

Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support

http://nationalshare.org/

Remembering Our Babies on October 15th

http://www.october15th.com/

Grieving Dads

https://grievingdads.com/

Compassionate Friends Support Groups

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

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Shadows & Sorrow - Part Two

A Living Death

This is part two of a three-part series about the loss of my twins in July 2014. You can read the details about my loss HERE. This three-part series is just my personal reflections on the events and the anniversary of my loss.

If you missed part one, click here to read.

There was a time in my life when I thought I’d never have children. The infertility treatments weren’t working and we were running out of money. I had to start preparing my heart for empty arms. So finding out I was pregnant, with twins, was a dream come true. Cliche, I know, but it was. Stupidly, I assumed that pregnant meant I would bring home babies. It was a beautiful ignorance because I never worried while I was pregnant with the twins. I literally enjoyed every single moment. Once I said that I if I knew that I was going to lose the babies, I would still have wanted them. I still would have wanted to be their mother. That positive pregnancy test made me a mother. Finally.

Shadows & Sorrow - Part One

July is a Hard Month for Me

This is part one of a three-part series about the loss of my twins in July 2014. You can read the details about my loss HERE. This three-part series is just my personal reflections on the events and the anniversary of my loss.

It seems like as soon as the calendar changes from June 30th to July 1st the air around me starts to get thick with grief. Just the word “July” conjures up pain. My heart automatically starts to ache. I’m sure a lot of people have this happen to them… there is a time during the year that is your worst, your most painful. Mine is and forever will be, July. 

The Facebook “On  This Day” feature is wonderful, I truly enjoy seeing things I posted in the previous years. But the “On This Day” feature is awful during July. What’s funny is, I don’t avoid it. I still courageously click to see what happened on “whatever” July day it is. And I even read the text or look at the pictures. It’s painful, but I still do it. And after viewing those posts in July 2014, I feel sick, but I still do it the next day. I don’t really understand it. Sure it’s painful, but at the same time they, are my memories.

20 Facts About Me

Don't you just love randomness? I know I do. So here is a list of 20 random facts about me. If I had to do a list of 40, I'd probably bore you to death. Enjoy!

1. My birth name is Michelle. And a lot of people do call me Michelle. But a lot of people also call me by my nickname, Mara. Mara is a play on my first initial and last name (and I came up with it myself when I was hanging out with a group of people that had more than one Michelle in the group). Throughout this blog, I'll go by Mara.
2. I am the oldest of 9 kids. But it’s because my parents split up after having me and they went their separate ways and had other children with different partners. But… I’m still the oldest of them all.
3. I’m not a cat person. I try and I do love to pet them, but generally, I prefer the adoration that comes from dogs. Scratch that… now that I think about it… I love all animals! I don’t necessarily want to keep all of them in my home, but if I had space, the means and the help (especially the help), I’d probably rescue animals and give them lots of love.
4. I love carbs. I really do. The bad ones, especially. “Cake,” you say? I’ll be right over for a plate!
5. Just recently, because of our tight budget, I’ve discovered what color my natural hair is. Before, I had no clue! I’ve been dying it for so, so many years that I forgot. Turns out, it’s light, dirty brown (which explains why I wanted to color it in the first place).
6. I really love all colors, but my favorite is orange.
7. The first thing I ever sewed were clothes for my barbie doll. They weren’t great in any way, but I was so excited to create with my own hands. I’m sure this is where my lifelong love for crafting started.
8. At one point in my life, I didn’t want any kids. Then I met my husband and I suddenly wanted three. Now, I’d take any that are put in my arms because they are such wonderful creatures. We have even talked about fostering in the future.
9. As a couple, we have never owned a home. We’ve always rented. We’ve moved so much that it just didn’t make sense for us to buy. But we are seriously talking about doing it now that we live in New York because it’s great here (and the prices are good).
10. I am an introvert. But I try to not let it hold me back. Some people can’t even tell that I’m an introvert. I may be nervous about trying new things or meeting new people, but I still do it. However, my introverted self still avoids crowds.

Week Two: Illuminate (using light to create mood)

This week's lesson was about light. While taking my photos I was able to learn more about the camera because I'd take the picture and the lighting wouldn't be right. So I had to mess with the settings in order to get the shot I wanted. 

In conclusion, this was a great technical lesson for me this week. I'm hoping it helps me get better and better and taking photos. My journal entry is below...

Kitchen Light

Find Your Light

Darkness seems to bring on stronger feelings of grief. In darkness, I find that the uglier side of my grief seems to come easier. Strong feelings of guilt and anger take hold. I start to blame myself for everything that happened to my babies. 

I feel grief in the light too but it seems to be a different side of grief. Usually I’m seeing how beautiful the world is or how beautiful my love is for my babies… this makes me sad and alone. It makes me wish they were still here so they could see the beauty for themselves.

I guess the only times I see glimmers of the sun peeking through my grief is when I think about how happy I was to even be pregnant with my babies. I still cry but I swell with pride of ever having them at all. I’m still proud that I had Siobhán and Rónán even if they died in the end. I would never want to not have them just to escape the pain I’m feeling now.

We're Moving (again)!

New House!

Finally! The one we live in now is ok... but super small and has a few issues (like mice). So I'm excited to move into this bigger house, that's better built.

This is the first time I've been excited to move in about 8 years... normally, I hate moving... for all the obvious reasons (it's too much damn work)!

We get the keys tomorrow and since my hubby is working crazy hours, we'll be moving things sporadically. This works for us since the new house is in the same town and is only a little ways from work.

That's about all right now.

Check out my YouTube videos... I have a lot more going on there.

Stay Tuned...

Big stuff is coming up... my hubby and I have been doing lots of talking.

Plus we have a doctors appointment soon.

After that, we will be making some final decisions and I will make the announcement.

We aren't giving up, we are fighting harder.

The End of the Road?

This last cycle was a bust. And right now, I'm not sure if we are gonna keep going.

Money is a big issue. We still have enough for a few more cycles, but the reasonable side of us is wondering if this is a good way to spend the rest of our savings?

Patience and emotions is the other issue. I'm tired. And so sad. And I'm not sure where to go from here.

But I still cling to the desire to see our faces in our children. To conceive one, to birth one, to name one. One of us.

Just one.

Ekeko Better Work His Mojo

Recently, my husband reveals that if I really want a baby then I need to find a miniature baby and give it to Ekeko along with an offering.

I was thinking the same thing you are readers... "what?"

He then points out the little porcelain man-doll-thing that his father brought to us when he visited this past December from Bolivia. I remember both of them explaining Ekeko way back then, but I had completely forgotten. In the past few weeks, I've been unpacking boxes from our recent move and Ekeko finally came out of the crumpled papers and into a place of honor in our home.

Señor Ekeko with my offering in his mouth.

So before I tell you what happened next, let me explain our little friend.
Ekeko is an icon of prosperity from South America. It's really popular in Bolivia and Peru and the way my father-in-law explained it, pretty much everyone has one in their home.
Ekeko has all kinds of things tied to him (money, food, a little house) and these things are suppose to be abundant in your home... IF you give Ekeko an offering. Yes, you have to suck up a little bit before he'll help you out.

So, back to my conversation with my hubby... he says I need to find a tiny baby to attach to Ekeko and then stick a cigarette or money in his mouth.
"Can it be a little print-out of a baby?" I asked.
"No, that doesn't count. It has to be a miniature baby."
I pressed on... "so if the baby is too big we might get a giant baby? That's not ok."
"Well I suggest you go to Dollar Tree and see if they have any babies."
"Yeah! I bet they have some that can be put on cakes for showers or something!" I now had a plan! If giving that little porcelain doll helps me get pregnant, then what was I waiting for!

The rest of the Caucasian babies.

It took a few weeks and a few stops but I eventually found a little bag of fair-haired Caucasian babes at Wal-Mart (my least favorite place in Hell). There were six in a bag for a $1 and even though they were really White, I knew I could take them home and darken their hair with a permanent marker.
So as soon as I got home, I found a brown marker and made one of the babies Hispanic. When you look close, you can tell this babe has had a bad hair-dye job.

I want to put some "Baby Got Back" message here... can't help it, I'm a jokester.

There wasn't a good place to attach the mini baby, so I just squeezed it in near the house Ekeko carries on his back. I also went to great measures to make sure that Ekeko only saw one baby. I don't want him to get the wrong idea and give us six babies at a time (or really six babies total). So I hid the other babies out of his sight... hopefully, he doesn't get wind of this blog post.

After strapping that baby on I put a $100 bill in Ekeko's mouth (we don't smoke) and looked him straight in his painted-on eye and said "Alright dude, I gave you a lot of money, so do your thing and give me a child!"

If you're laughing right now, that's okay. It's hard to tell how Ekeko is gonna spin this. At the worst it will be a waste of $101 dollars and the time it took me to shop for plastic babies and color their hair brown. Somewhere in the middle, Ekeko could have some fun with me and give me sextuplets with ginger hair.

And there is the best-case-scenario... Ekeko could come through (and my husband would be correct) and we can have a sweet little Hispanic baby just like I asked.

Two days away from testing... we'll see if he comes through.

First YouTube video!

I'm excited to present my first YouTube video.

It's about our journey trying-to-conceive so far... it's just to get you on the same page. 

I tried to keep it fairly short... but it is a five year history!

Enjoy and please subscribe to my channel so you can be updated on new videos!

Honey-Do Printable

I'll admit... my hubby needs a little prodding to get stuff done around the house. And I'll admit... I forget what all he needs to do sometimes.
So I made this printable list for both of us. It's good for me so I can write stuff down as they come to me and it's good for him so he knows what I need and roughly when I need it. I'll still have to push him a little to actually look at the list (and not ignore it... ha!) but at least we have the springboard for getting tasks done around the house.

I've put a link on my DOWNLOADS page for this printable. It's a PDF and it prints with two lists per sheet.

ENJOY!

Getting My Sh*t Together

Well... we've been in Florida for three weeks. And I'll admit, I'm going a little crazy.

Just ask my poor husband (there has been a lot of crazy-woman ramblings & screaming).

And I really think it's an aftershock to all the crazy that was happening during the last week in NC. I worked overtime all that week... and I was packing the house all week... I was trying to uproot our life (we didn't know we were leaving so fast... honestly, I wasn't ready). I was running around like a lunatic that last week.

And now that we're here in our new house it just so, so quiet. And I don't have a routine yet. I'm just waking up... shuffling here and there... tidying and unpacking...

bleh...

So now, I'm looking forward to my cousin's wedding on June 23rd. I have to fly to Nebraska and I'll be there for a week. It'll be nice to get that done, fly back to my new home and then I can really start my new life in Florida.

The plan is to start sewing again and blogging. And really, just to get my sh*t together. I'm ready to start my new routine, whatever that may be.

I'm ready.

Yep, We're Moving

“It doesn’t matter where you are, you are nowhere compared to where you can go.” -Bob Proctor

It's true... we're moving. We love it in Western North Carolina but my husband is taking a job offer in Northern Florida.

I don't have anywhere to work... but I'm okay with that (remind me that I said this when I'm wanting a new blouse or makeup from Ulta but I'm living on only my husband's income).
I'm gonna focus on emptying boxes and sewing. And hopefully, we can start TTC again... and I'll have an even more important reason to stay home.

We do have a new home already... it's smaller than our current home, but it's quite charming. There is a huge yard that I'm hoping will be easy to garden. Furthermore, I hope I can start growing some of our food (since we are on the one income). So we'll see how that goes.

I'm excited. My husband is excited. Again, we'll miss our WNC home, but we love a change and we're gonna make the best of this change.

Stay tuned... I'm gonna have more time to blog.

I LOVE MY HUSBAND (yes, I'm screaming)!

I'm sad. Nothing "happened" to make me sad... I just miss my husband.

He's in Mississippi helping out another site for the company he works for. And he's been gone since late March and he probably won't come home until May.
In fact, it makes me grumpy... grrr...

But, I did tell him to do it. It's good for him and helps his career. So I just need to endure.

I did (accidentally) find this list "100 Ways to Make Your Marriage Rock" on another website.

I'm tweaking it a little to fit my life. The main change is the writer is Christian and we are Pagan in this house... but trust me, no matter your religion, most of these can fit your marriage.

Here is my list!

1. Write them letters... on paper.
2. Go on regular date nights.
3. Write his name on lipstick on the bathroom mirror.
4. Revitalize the romance with intimate dates.
5. Be spiritual together.
6. Hide notes in secret places.
7. Go to bed at the same time.
8. Listen to music together (share earbuds).
9. Send him on a scavenger hunt in the house.
10. Buy gifts they will love.
11. Hide a treat in his desk.
12. Wear shirts that tell the world you love your spouse.
13. Praise your spouse to other people...
14. ... Let them overhear you.
15. Be best friends.
16. Sleep in his t-shirts.
17. Share decision-making.
18. Don’t nag each other.
19. Don't give the other a reason to nag.
20. Pick up your socks, hang your wet towels.
21. Renew your vows privately with whispers and memories.
22. Renew them publicly with cake and bubbly.
23. Fight naked.
24. Pick your battles.
25. Show her you love her and tell him you respect him.
26. Go away together at least once a year.
27. Frame your wedding vows.
28. Hang pictures of the two of you around your house.
29. Kiss in front of your kids.
30. Make his favorite dessert.
31. Make her favorite dessert.
32. Have pictures of just the two of you made.
33. Make sex a priority.
34. Spend time apart occasionally.
35. Learn to enjoy something he loves.
36. Learn to enjoy something she loves .
37. Surprise each other.
38. Meet each other at the door when they come home.
39. Dreamstorm (brainstorm about your dreams in life... out loud, together).
40. Text each other from across the room.
41. Be accountable to each other.
42. Set reminders on your phone to remember him/her throughout the week.
43. Call him right now and tell him you appreciate him.
44. Be affectionate.
45. Leave work and come home early.
46. Wash, vacuum her car. Keep it full of gas.
47. Clean out his truck. Help him wash it.
48. Give each other romantic coupons.
49. Engage every day in meaningful conversation.
50. Compliment each other.
51. Touch your spouse several times throughout the day.
52. Take one day a month to make your spouse your total focus.
53. Let each other sleep in.
54. Be spontaneous!
55. Argue fair: avoid these words “you always” and “you never.”
56. Kiss every day.
57. Find tangible ways to serve your mate without complaining.
58. Forgive quickly.
59. Be honest...
60. ... But not hurtful.
61. Get on the same page: plan your budget together.
62. Look your best as often as you can.
63. Get creative together!
64. Get out of debt (and stay out).
65. Laugh together.
66. Have a date night in.
67. When your together-BE TOGETHER (take a break from phones, technology, etc).
68. Talk about your favorite memories together.
69. Tell him he’s sexy just because.
70. Tell her she’s pretty, especially when she’s not feeling it.
71. Hell... tell her she's sexy too!
72. Make each other breakfast in bed (this works better if it's on separate days, LOL).
73. Do her chores for her.
74. Do his chores.
75. Get a couple’s massage or host your own privately.
76. Read a book out loud together.
77. Dance together.
78. Bring her/him a favorite drink during the middle of the day
79. Exercise together-hikes, bike riding, etc
80. Choose not to be annoyed by an irritating behavior/disappointment
81. Tell them a secret they don't know about you.
82. Thank your spouse just because, often.
83. Sit on the same side of a booth at a restaurant.
84. Lay in bed together and stare into each other eyes, without talking.
85. Learn something new together-take an art class, cooking lessons, etc.
86. Leave a sweet comment on the Facebook wall.
87. Teach your kids about marriage.
88. Stop what you’re doing, look them in the eye and listen to their answer.
89. Get sexually creative!
90. Support each other’s goals.
91. Know when to talk and when to not.
92. Consider counseling (even if there’s not conflict).
93. Give each other pet names (if you haven't already).
94. Bring her flowers.
95. Wear something he loves.
96. Wear something she loves.
97. Share furniture-sit in his lap.
98. Fight for your marriage.
99. Remember your spouse rocks-even when they don’t .
100. Be the one who is wrong for once... instead of the one who is always right.

Baked Potato Salad

Ah! The baked potato. It's an American staple! It's everywhere... restaurants, fast-food joints, your kitchen and your momma's kitchen.
And it's one of Hubby's favorite foods. He, like most, has a special way he likes a baked potato... cheddar, bacon, butter, sour cream, salt, pepper & chives.

A few years back, I found a baked potato salad at a grocery deli. It had all of those ingredients! But... it was awful. It was greasy (insert scared face here) and the potatoes were far from being cooked (still hard!).
It didn't take long for me to pull together my own recipe. After many test runs (with the hubby taste-testing and offering suggestions) we have the best potato salad ever! The Hubby asks for it often and requests I make it for any barbecue/pot luck function.

So, without further ado (and rambling) I present our perfect Baked Potato Salad. It takes a bit of time, so make it the day before an event.