Monday, May 14, 2018

For Mae



For Mae,
We call you Mae, but technically, we don't know if you were a girl or not. We never got that chance to meet you, to know you, or to name you correctly. But the day we lost you, I told your dad "let's call her Mae."
I don't know why, but naming you was important to me. Maybe it was because I never got a chance to do much for you. In fact, the only other thing I did for you was I bought you a onesie. That was it. Again, I never got the chance for anything else.

We were surprised by you. You were very wanted, but not expected. Nonetheless, we were excited to have another chance at having a baby. I was scared, but it wasn't the same fear I had with your brother. He came so soon after losing the twins. With you, we had time to heal, and therefore, less scared.
We immediately made plans for you. Of course. That's what you do when a new baby is expected. We made plans to fit you into our life. We put you into our hearts. We started to tell your brother about you. He is only two, but we did our best to explain that Mama had a baby in her belly. It wasn't until you were long gone, did he catch on. And then I had to tell him that you weren't there anymore.
The day we found out you were gone was tough. Your brother didn't understand all of the crying. I think he knew we were sad, but again, he's only two and just couldn't understand the weight of your loss. Over the months following, I found myself angry & bitter than I had lost another one of my children. I also found myself jealous of the women who still had theirs... especially their second rainbow child. Here I was with an empty womb.
We talked about "trying again," but it just isn't able to be. So now, Mae, you are officially my last child. My fourth and final. It's hard to believe that I'm a mother of four. But it's even harder to believe that only one of my children walks this earth.
Your due date has arrived. And you're not here, not like we originally planned. I have to say... that's one of the hardest parts. I can only imagine you here and what you'd look like. I can just imagine how excited your brother would be to see you and hold you. Wow... and imagine all the adventures we could've had... you, your dad, your brother, me.
Our beautiful Mae. How loved you are. How missed you are. We definitely think of you. And we will forever have a hole in our hearts shaped like you.
Always,
Your Mama