For Mae

For Mae,
We call you Mae, but technically, we don't know if you were a girl or not. We never got that chance to meet you, to know you, or to name you correctly. But the day we lost you, I told your dad "let's call her Mae."
I don't know why, but naming you was important to me. Maybe it was because I never got a chance to do much for you. In fact, the only other thing I did for you was I bought you a onesie. That was it. Again, I never got the chance for anything else.

Shadows & Sorrow - Part Three

Healing Through Our Miracle

This is part three of a three-part series about the loss of my twins in July 2014. You can read the details about my loss HERE. This three-part series is just my personal reflections on the events and the anniversary of my loss.

Click here to read part one or click here to read part two.

My husband and I have often wondered what would’ve happened to us if Lincoln had never come along. I became pregnant with him only 3 months after our losses. It definitely was not expected, especially since it took so many years and IVF in order to conceive the twins. But Lincoln… he just came out of nowhere. It may have seemed that he came at a very tumultuous time but I think it saved us. It saved us from the grief that was taking over our minds and bodies. 

Knowing I was pregnant caused me to focus on that and not my losses. Mainly, I focused on not losing Lincoln like I lost the twins. I couldn’t bear to lose another child, so I jumped into gear getting a Transabdominal Cerclage to protect against the incompetent cervix that caused me to lose my twins. That plan worked. I had a completely uneventful pregnancy with Lincoln and I made it to my scheduled c-section. Seriously… it was perfection.

I was traumatized, however. I was a wreck during my pregnancy… I over-analyzed every feeling I had and there were many moments of tearful agony. I did see a counselor through my entire pregnancy and it really did help. I also did a lot of grief projects like photography and journaling. 

As a couple, we also started projects and donations in memory of our twins. Anytime we can include them in our day to day lives it makes them more real. That may seem strange… you may be thinking “of course they were real.” But they were here then gone so fast… sometimes you feel like you may have imagined them. Thankfully, there is proof of them all around me. Proof that they did exist and touch our lives (and others lives). That proof is what I cling to. 

And I love to say their names. I love when others say their names. It causes my heart to swell, practically explodes. It means that they are not forgotten. Gone, but never, ever forgotten.

Siobhan Leannan Ashe Aramayo. Our beautiful little girl.

Ronan Orlando Grey Aramayo. Our beautiful little boy.

Siobhan & Ronan

RESOURCES:

My Pinterest Board about Infertility, Infant Loss

https://www.pinterest.com/LifeUnderClover/infertilitypcosinfant-loss/

Still Standing Magazine

http://stillstandingmag.com/

Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death

https://www.mend.org/

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep - photography services

https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Empty Arms Bereavement Support

http://www.emptyarmsbereavement.org/

Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support

http://nationalshare.org/

Remembering Our Babies on October 15th

http://www.october15th.com/

Grieving Dads

https://grievingdads.com/

Compassionate Friends Support Groups

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

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Shadows & Sorrow - Part Two

A Living Death

This is part two of a three-part series about the loss of my twins in July 2014. You can read the details about my loss HERE. This three-part series is just my personal reflections on the events and the anniversary of my loss.

If you missed part one, click here to read.

There was a time in my life when I thought I’d never have children. The infertility treatments weren’t working and we were running out of money. I had to start preparing my heart for empty arms. So finding out I was pregnant, with twins, was a dream come true. Cliche, I know, but it was. Stupidly, I assumed that pregnant meant I would bring home babies. It was a beautiful ignorance because I never worried while I was pregnant with the twins. I literally enjoyed every single moment. Once I said that I if I knew that I was going to lose the babies, I would still have wanted them. I still would have wanted to be their mother. That positive pregnancy test made me a mother. Finally.

Shadows & Sorrow - Part One

July is a Hard Month for Me

This is part one of a three-part series about the loss of my twins in July 2014. You can read the details about my loss HERE. This three-part series is just my personal reflections on the events and the anniversary of my loss.

It seems like as soon as the calendar changes from June 30th to July 1st the air around me starts to get thick with grief. Just the word “July” conjures up pain. My heart automatically starts to ache. I’m sure a lot of people have this happen to them… there is a time during the year that is your worst, your most painful. Mine is and forever will be, July. 

The Facebook “On  This Day” feature is wonderful, I truly enjoy seeing things I posted in the previous years. But the “On This Day” feature is awful during July. What’s funny is, I don’t avoid it. I still courageously click to see what happened on “whatever” July day it is. And I even read the text or look at the pictures. It’s painful, but I still do it. And after viewing those posts in July 2014, I feel sick, but I still do it the next day. I don’t really understand it. Sure it’s painful, but at the same time they, are my memories.

Loss & Heartache on Mother's Day

Sadly, Mother’s Day is full of painful emotions for me. Before I became a mother, I had trouble with the day because I’m estranged from my own mother. Even before I stopped talking to her, I had trouble picking out the right card. Mother’s Day cards are full of beautiful emotions about how wonderful your mother is and how much you appreciate her. I didn’t have a nurturing mother. Instead, I had a mother that would take but never give and there just wasn’t a card out there that said “thanks Mom for not sucking the life out of me… yet!” After we stopped talking, I then dealt with guilt on Mother’s Day. I knew I did the right thing, cutting off someone that was toxic, but society tells you that you’re supposed to love your mother, no matter what. Thankfully, that guilt has now passed, as I no longer worry about her. Now I am a mother and now I have my own experiences to cope with.

The first Mother’s Day I celebrated as a new mom, I had two babies growing inside me. Our girl and boy were expected that November and after spending years struggling with infertility, hating that I wasn’t a mother, I finally was a mom! It was a beautiful Mother’s Day filled with hope and love for the lives that we finally grew with the help of IVF. 

20 Facts About Me

Don't you just love randomness? I know I do. So here is a list of 20 random facts about me. If I had to do a list of 40, I'd probably bore you to death. Enjoy!

1. My birth name is Michelle. And a lot of people do call me Michelle. But a lot of people also call me by my nickname, Mara. Mara is a play on my first initial and last name (and I came up with it myself when I was hanging out with a group of people that had more than one Michelle in the group). Throughout this blog, I'll go by Mara.
2. I am the oldest of 9 kids. But it’s because my parents split up after having me and they went their separate ways and had other children with different partners. But… I’m still the oldest of them all.
3. I’m not a cat person. I try and I do love to pet them, but generally, I prefer the adoration that comes from dogs. Scratch that… now that I think about it… I love all animals! I don’t necessarily want to keep all of them in my home, but if I had space, the means and the help (especially the help), I’d probably rescue animals and give them lots of love.
4. I love carbs. I really do. The bad ones, especially. “Cake,” you say? I’ll be right over for a plate!
5. Just recently, because of our tight budget, I’ve discovered what color my natural hair is. Before, I had no clue! I’ve been dying it for so, so many years that I forgot. Turns out, it’s light, dirty brown (which explains why I wanted to color it in the first place).
6. I really love all colors, but my favorite is orange.
7. The first thing I ever sewed were clothes for my barbie doll. They weren’t great in any way, but I was so excited to create with my own hands. I’m sure this is where my lifelong love for crafting started.
8. At one point in my life, I didn’t want any kids. Then I met my husband and I suddenly wanted three. Now, I’d take any that are put in my arms because they are such wonderful creatures. We have even talked about fostering in the future.
9. As a couple, we have never owned a home. We’ve always rented. We’ve moved so much that it just didn’t make sense for us to buy. But we are seriously talking about doing it now that we live in New York because it’s great here (and the prices are good).
10. I am an introvert. But I try to not let it hold me back. Some people can’t even tell that I’m an introvert. I may be nervous about trying new things or meeting new people, but I still do it. However, my introverted self still avoids crowds.

Week Three: Illuminate (gaining a new perspective)

This week's lesson is a little late because it has been raining so much!
But it was about gaining a new perspective. I had to walk 100 steps, stop and take a picture of wherever I ended up. I went downtown to take these pics.

Below are my pics and my journal entry "I am grateful for..."

Week Two: Illuminate (using light to create mood)

This week's lesson was about light. While taking my photos I was able to learn more about the camera because I'd take the picture and the lighting wouldn't be right. So I had to mess with the settings in order to get the shot I wanted. 

In conclusion, this was a great technical lesson for me this week. I'm hoping it helps me get better and better and taking photos. My journal entry is below...

Kitchen Light

Find Your Light

Darkness seems to bring on stronger feelings of grief. In darkness, I find that the uglier side of my grief seems to come easier. Strong feelings of guilt and anger take hold. I start to blame myself for everything that happened to my babies. 

I feel grief in the light too but it seems to be a different side of grief. Usually I’m seeing how beautiful the world is or how beautiful my love is for my babies… this makes me sad and alone. It makes me wish they were still here so they could see the beauty for themselves.

I guess the only times I see glimmers of the sun peeking through my grief is when I think about how happy I was to even be pregnant with my babies. I still cry but I swell with pride of ever having them at all. I’m still proud that I had Siobhán and Rónán even if they died in the end. I would never want to not have them just to escape the pain I’m feeling now.

Week One: Illuminate (telling your story through self-portraiture)

Below is my Week One assignment for the Illuminate photography class I started. I found the letter to my babies hard, but I made it through with some tears to spare.

The idea for the photos came easily... I basically had the maternity photo shoot I was never able to complete while pregnant. Instead of cradling my growing belly, I held my babies urn or their memory boxes. The dress I wore was the very dress I purchased to take my photos in... I bought it just a few weeks before I went in to the hospital for the first time and lost our daughter, Siobhán.

Below are my photos and the letter to my babies.

I've Joined A Photography Class

I'm a grieving mother. My babies passed away only a few weeks ago.

And it hurts so, so badly.

I've been searching the internet for relief. I've found quite a few great resources I can turn to during my time of need.

Recently, I came across Illuminate. Illuminate is a four-week photography class focused on the grief from infant loss.

At first, probably out of fear, I just looked at the above link. A few days later I actually signed up. And yesterday I received my first assignment. So I guess I'm doing this.

I'll be posting my assignments here to save & read for the rest of my blog life.

Wish me luck... I'm guessing there is going be a lot of crying in the next four weeks.