For Mae

For Mae,
We call you Mae, but technically, we don't know if you were a girl or not. We never got that chance to meet you, to know you, or to name you correctly. But the day we lost you, I told your dad "let's call her Mae."
I don't know why, but naming you was important to me. Maybe it was because I never got a chance to do much for you. In fact, the only other thing I did for you was I bought you a onesie. That was it. Again, I never got the chance for anything else.

Four Adjustments I Had to Make to Go Back to Work

Well, I've been back to work for three weeks now. We've had a few bumps in the road my toddler and I. And I guess my husband and I have also had a few bumps in the road.
Being a stay-at-home mom/wife meant I was doing a lot of things that I wouldn't normally do as a working mom/wife... like chores. I was the primary workhorse in the house and now that I was working outside of the house, it meant splitting up the chores more evenly between my husband and me. But I learned quickly that there were many more adjustments I had to make in order to be successful in my working journey.

Things I Crave: Spring Florals

 

This is the first Things I Crave post! I wanted to share with my readers awesome things I have found in the world. I will do a Things I Crave post at least once a month.

The "things" will range from products, music, TV shows or even things I find when I'm out & about in the world. I thought this would also be a great way to highlight great products, especially from small crafters selling their homemade goods.

5 Little-Known Ways to Relax

Ugh! Life can be overwhelming & stressful. Add in responsibilities... job, wife, mother, dishes, food... and it can be too much sometimes.

Everyone has heard of meditation, hot showers, petting zoos and more to relax. Today I'd like to share 5 Little-Known Ways to Relax. They work for me, and I know they will work for you too.

Our Favorite Bedtime Books

My kiddo loves books! And he always has. Even as a baby, he'd reach for books before toys. These days, he's found a love for toys, but he still craves stories.
Today I thought I'd share our favorite bedtime books. Not only does my toddler love these books, but I do too. These stories have a common bedtime theme and help calm my toddler, easing him into our night routine. So, in no particular order:

Tips for the Sick Stay-At-Home Mama

It was the last week of December... I was looking forward to the New Year. I love how the New Year feels like a fresh start and can often be all you need to create a new, healthy habit. I had some super plans... yoga, zoo visits, hanging out with new friends, even a weekend trip.

And then it hit me. I was sick. With a cold.

So I canceled my weekend plans. And put off the yoga. I thought I felt better, but it hit me again. And again and again. Ugh! It was the cold that would never end (in fact, the doc said I had bronchitis).

Suddenly, my whole life felt like it was on hold so I could get better. But wait... not my whole life. I'm a mom. Everyone knows... moms do not get a day off. Especially, a stay-at-home mom with a kiddo too young for school. Damn.

Hiatus is over!

You are going to have to forgive me for not keeping up with my blog for four long months!

Here are my excuses for why I've been slacking lately:

1. I moved... that ain't easy, we all know it.
2. I got busy... sure sometimes "busy" meant watching TV, but nonetheless, I was busy.
3. I have a toddler.
4. I wasn't feeling inspired. That's hard to say, but it's the truth. I would think of my blog, but not know what to write.
5. My blog motives were wacky... I've wanted to blog for years, but I don't think I was approaching it correctly. My blog motives have now been refocused.
6. I got pregnant. And then I lost my pregnancy in October at 8 weeks. It was devasting. 
7. I have a lot of family in the area where we moved and we've been traveling to see them. 
8. We all got sick... I'm still a little sick as I type this. 

So... I've had a few bumps in the road. One of the biggest issues was my blog motives. When you first start a blog you see all these awesome examples of blogs and you want to be just like them. But let me tell you firsthand, it takes a lot of time and hard work to get there. There isn't a fast fix to awesome blogger-ness. Some people claim there is, but those are gimmicks. And those gimmicks have helped them be successful. However, I didn't want to be about gimmicks. I want to be real. So refocusing on being real is my priority.

Thank you so much for your patience. I'm glad you're still here for the ride. I have some great stuff planned and the best news of all... it's a real part of me and what I stand for.

Shadows & Sorrow - Part Three

Healing Through Our Miracle

This is part three of a three-part series about the loss of my twins in July 2014. You can read the details about my loss HERE. This three-part series is just my personal reflections on the events and the anniversary of my loss.

Click here to read part one or click here to read part two.

My husband and I have often wondered what would’ve happened to us if Lincoln had never come along. I became pregnant with him only 3 months after our losses. It definitely was not expected, especially since it took so many years and IVF in order to conceive the twins. But Lincoln… he just came out of nowhere. It may have seemed that he came at a very tumultuous time but I think it saved us. It saved us from the grief that was taking over our minds and bodies. 

Knowing I was pregnant caused me to focus on that and not my losses. Mainly, I focused on not losing Lincoln like I lost the twins. I couldn’t bear to lose another child, so I jumped into gear getting a Transabdominal Cerclage to protect against the incompetent cervix that caused me to lose my twins. That plan worked. I had a completely uneventful pregnancy with Lincoln and I made it to my scheduled c-section. Seriously… it was perfection.

I was traumatized, however. I was a wreck during my pregnancy… I over-analyzed every feeling I had and there were many moments of tearful agony. I did see a counselor through my entire pregnancy and it really did help. I also did a lot of grief projects like photography and journaling. 

As a couple, we also started projects and donations in memory of our twins. Anytime we can include them in our day to day lives it makes them more real. That may seem strange… you may be thinking “of course they were real.” But they were here then gone so fast… sometimes you feel like you may have imagined them. Thankfully, there is proof of them all around me. Proof that they did exist and touch our lives (and others lives). That proof is what I cling to. 

And I love to say their names. I love when others say their names. It causes my heart to swell, practically explodes. It means that they are not forgotten. Gone, but never, ever forgotten.

Siobhan Leannan Ashe Aramayo. Our beautiful little girl.

Ronan Orlando Grey Aramayo. Our beautiful little boy.

Siobhan & Ronan

RESOURCES:

My Pinterest Board about Infertility, Infant Loss

https://www.pinterest.com/LifeUnderClover/infertilitypcosinfant-loss/

Still Standing Magazine

http://stillstandingmag.com/

Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death

https://www.mend.org/

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep - photography services

https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Empty Arms Bereavement Support

http://www.emptyarmsbereavement.org/

Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support

http://nationalshare.org/

Remembering Our Babies on October 15th

http://www.october15th.com/

Grieving Dads

https://grievingdads.com/

Compassionate Friends Support Groups

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

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Shadows & Sorrow - Part Two

A Living Death

This is part two of a three-part series about the loss of my twins in July 2014. You can read the details about my loss HERE. This three-part series is just my personal reflections on the events and the anniversary of my loss.

If you missed part one, click here to read.

There was a time in my life when I thought I’d never have children. The infertility treatments weren’t working and we were running out of money. I had to start preparing my heart for empty arms. So finding out I was pregnant, with twins, was a dream come true. Cliche, I know, but it was. Stupidly, I assumed that pregnant meant I would bring home babies. It was a beautiful ignorance because I never worried while I was pregnant with the twins. I literally enjoyed every single moment. Once I said that I if I knew that I was going to lose the babies, I would still have wanted them. I still would have wanted to be their mother. That positive pregnancy test made me a mother. Finally.

Shadows & Sorrow - Part One

July is a Hard Month for Me

This is part one of a three-part series about the loss of my twins in July 2014. You can read the details about my loss HERE. This three-part series is just my personal reflections on the events and the anniversary of my loss.

It seems like as soon as the calendar changes from June 30th to July 1st the air around me starts to get thick with grief. Just the word “July” conjures up pain. My heart automatically starts to ache. I’m sure a lot of people have this happen to them… there is a time during the year that is your worst, your most painful. Mine is and forever will be, July. 

The Facebook “On  This Day” feature is wonderful, I truly enjoy seeing things I posted in the previous years. But the “On This Day” feature is awful during July. What’s funny is, I don’t avoid it. I still courageously click to see what happened on “whatever” July day it is. And I even read the text or look at the pictures. It’s painful, but I still do it. And after viewing those posts in July 2014, I feel sick, but I still do it the next day. I don’t really understand it. Sure it’s painful, but at the same time they, are my memories.

Trolls Themed Birthday Party

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A few days back, my little boy turned two and we threw him a Trolls themed birthday party. The party itself was small... we only invited two other little boys to join. But it was perfect for my kiddo.
To say he loves Trolls is an understatement. I'm embarrassed at the number of times he has watched it (and at the number of times I've used the movie to get some peace or to finish the dishes). That, however, is not the point. The point is that he is obsessed with the movie, the songs, the characters... everything! So picking the Trolls theme was easy.

I really focused on decorations because the party itself was just his two friends coming over, them eating pizza, watching the movie and playing with toys (and later cake). I didn't worry about activities or games because they are so young.
And I tried to DIY it to save money. Some things I had so overall I spent less than $50 on everything for the party minus the pizza we ordered.

What We Do All Day Long (Just the Toddler and I)

When I first became a stay-at-home mama a few months back, I was desperate for a routine. It was very chaotic around here because we had just moved to New York from Florida. I was still unpacking and I was still trying to figure out what a stay-at-home mama did. My 22-month-old son and I were just a hot mess every day (waking up whenever, eating whenever, forgetting to change clothes, forgetting what damn day it was, and more). So my solution was a schedule including a morning and evening routine. And once we had a plan, everything was so much easier!

Loss & Heartache on Mother's Day

Sadly, Mother’s Day is full of painful emotions for me. Before I became a mother, I had trouble with the day because I’m estranged from my own mother. Even before I stopped talking to her, I had trouble picking out the right card. Mother’s Day cards are full of beautiful emotions about how wonderful your mother is and how much you appreciate her. I didn’t have a nurturing mother. Instead, I had a mother that would take but never give and there just wasn’t a card out there that said “thanks Mom for not sucking the life out of me… yet!” After we stopped talking, I then dealt with guilt on Mother’s Day. I knew I did the right thing, cutting off someone that was toxic, but society tells you that you’re supposed to love your mother, no matter what. Thankfully, that guilt has now passed, as I no longer worry about her. Now I am a mother and now I have my own experiences to cope with.

The first Mother’s Day I celebrated as a new mom, I had two babies growing inside me. Our girl and boy were expected that November and after spending years struggling with infertility, hating that I wasn’t a mother, I finally was a mom! It was a beautiful Mother’s Day filled with hope and love for the lives that we finally grew with the help of IVF.