Shadows & Sorrow - Part Three

Healing Through Our Miracle

This is part three of a three-part series about the loss of my twins in July 2014. You can read the details about my loss HERE. This three-part series is just my personal reflections on the events and the anniversary of my loss.

Click here to read part one or click here to read part two.

My husband and I have often wondered what would’ve happened to us if Lincoln had never come along. I became pregnant with him only 3 months after our losses. It definitely was not expected, especially since it took so many years and IVF in order to conceive the twins. But Lincoln… he just came out of nowhere. It may have seemed that he came at a very tumultuous time but I think it saved us. It saved us from the grief that was taking over our minds and bodies. 

Knowing I was pregnant caused me to focus on that and not my losses. Mainly, I focused on not losing Lincoln like I lost the twins. I couldn’t bear to lose another child, so I jumped into gear getting a Transabdominal Cerclage to protect against the incompetent cervix that caused me to lose my twins. That plan worked. I had a completely uneventful pregnancy with Lincoln and I made it to my scheduled c-section. Seriously… it was perfection.

I was traumatized, however. I was a wreck during my pregnancy… I over-analyzed every feeling I had and there were many moments of tearful agony. I did see a counselor through my entire pregnancy and it really did help. I also did a lot of grief projects like photography and journaling. 

As a couple, we also started projects and donations in memory of our twins. Anytime we can include them in our day to day lives it makes them more real. That may seem strange… you may be thinking “of course they were real.” But they were here then gone so fast… sometimes you feel like you may have imagined them. Thankfully, there is proof of them all around me. Proof that they did exist and touch our lives (and others lives). That proof is what I cling to. 

And I love to say their names. I love when others say their names. It causes my heart to swell, practically explodes. It means that they are not forgotten. Gone, but never, ever forgotten.

Siobhan Leannan Ashe Aramayo. Our beautiful little girl.

Ronan Orlando Grey Aramayo. Our beautiful little boy.

Siobhan & Ronan

RESOURCES:

My Pinterest Board about Infertility, Infant Loss

https://www.pinterest.com/LifeUnderClover/infertilitypcosinfant-loss/

Still Standing Magazine

http://stillstandingmag.com/

Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death

https://www.mend.org/

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep - photography services

https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Empty Arms Bereavement Support

http://www.emptyarmsbereavement.org/

Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support

http://nationalshare.org/

Remembering Our Babies on October 15th

http://www.october15th.com/

Grieving Dads

https://grievingdads.com/

Compassionate Friends Support Groups

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

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Shadows & Sorrow - Part Two

A Living Death

This is part two of a three-part series about the loss of my twins in July 2014. You can read the details about my loss HERE. This three-part series is just my personal reflections on the events and the anniversary of my loss.

If you missed part one, click here to read.

There was a time in my life when I thought I’d never have children. The infertility treatments weren’t working and we were running out of money. I had to start preparing my heart for empty arms. So finding out I was pregnant, with twins, was a dream come true. Cliche, I know, but it was. Stupidly, I assumed that pregnant meant I would bring home babies. It was a beautiful ignorance because I never worried while I was pregnant with the twins. I literally enjoyed every single moment. Once I said that I if I knew that I was going to lose the babies, I would still have wanted them. I still would have wanted to be their mother. That positive pregnancy test made me a mother. Finally.

Shadows & Sorrow - Part One

July is a Hard Month for Me

This is part one of a three-part series about the loss of my twins in July 2014. You can read the details about my loss HERE. This three-part series is just my personal reflections on the events and the anniversary of my loss.

It seems like as soon as the calendar changes from June 30th to July 1st the air around me starts to get thick with grief. Just the word “July” conjures up pain. My heart automatically starts to ache. I’m sure a lot of people have this happen to them… there is a time during the year that is your worst, your most painful. Mine is and forever will be, July. 

The Facebook “On  This Day” feature is wonderful, I truly enjoy seeing things I posted in the previous years. But the “On This Day” feature is awful during July. What’s funny is, I don’t avoid it. I still courageously click to see what happened on “whatever” July day it is. And I even read the text or look at the pictures. It’s painful, but I still do it. And after viewing those posts in July 2014, I feel sick, but I still do it the next day. I don’t really understand it. Sure it’s painful, but at the same time they, are my memories.

20 Facts About Me

Don't you just love randomness? I know I do. So here is a list of 20 random facts about me. If I had to do a list of 40, I'd probably bore you to death. Enjoy!

1. My birth name is Michelle. And a lot of people do call me Michelle. But a lot of people also call me by my nickname, Mara. Mara is a play on my first initial and last name (and I came up with it myself when I was hanging out with a group of people that had more than one Michelle in the group). Throughout this blog, I'll go by Mara.
2. I am the oldest of 9 kids. But it’s because my parents split up after having me and they went their separate ways and had other children with different partners. But… I’m still the oldest of them all.
3. I’m not a cat person. I try and I do love to pet them, but generally, I prefer the adoration that comes from dogs. Scratch that… now that I think about it… I love all animals! I don’t necessarily want to keep all of them in my home, but if I had space, the means and the help (especially the help), I’d probably rescue animals and give them lots of love.
4. I love carbs. I really do. The bad ones, especially. “Cake,” you say? I’ll be right over for a plate!
5. Just recently, because of our tight budget, I’ve discovered what color my natural hair is. Before, I had no clue! I’ve been dying it for so, so many years that I forgot. Turns out, it’s light, dirty brown (which explains why I wanted to color it in the first place).
6. I really love all colors, but my favorite is orange.
7. The first thing I ever sewed were clothes for my barbie doll. They weren’t great in any way, but I was so excited to create with my own hands. I’m sure this is where my lifelong love for crafting started.
8. At one point in my life, I didn’t want any kids. Then I met my husband and I suddenly wanted three. Now, I’d take any that are put in my arms because they are such wonderful creatures. We have even talked about fostering in the future.
9. As a couple, we have never owned a home. We’ve always rented. We’ve moved so much that it just didn’t make sense for us to buy. But we are seriously talking about doing it now that we live in New York because it’s great here (and the prices are good).
10. I am an introvert. But I try to not let it hold me back. Some people can’t even tell that I’m an introvert. I may be nervous about trying new things or meeting new people, but I still do it. However, my introverted self still avoids crowds.

Herbal Blast

I had a blast from the past today while I was organizing a box of "stuff." Almost none of this "stuff" was worth keeping and I have no idea why it's been around this long. But that is a whole other post.

Anyhow, amongst the stuff (ah, hell, let's just call it junk)... was a bunch of bottled herbal meds. Back when I was trying to conceive using herbals, I took a lot of this stuff daily.

Now if you've never heard of this way of TTC, then you'll think I'm crazy, but I'm not the first woman to do this crap.
And for some, it's worked!!

Just not for me.

I don't exactly remember my regimen or how much I took of what, but I can at least give you the review of what they can do.

From back to front, left to right, these are the ones I tried (and three not pictured):

• Magnesium: I took this to relieve headaches. I've always had headaches due to hormones spikes & dips, so the magnesium helps a little. I also read that any magnesium deficiency is bad for you if you are TTC. So anty up!
• Fish Oil: Fish Oil is just good for you! It can help with cancer, cardio health, mental health, Alzheimer's, Lupus and Parkinson's! I'm sure you've heard of this one before, so this was a big part of my regimen way back when. And now I'm wondering why I still don't take it...
• Vitex/Chaste Berry: Vitex is popular option for infertility because it's suppose to help balance out any wacky hormones. Many people with PCOS have raved about it. It worked a little for me and definitely caused some of those hormone headaches I mentioned earlier.
• Cinnamon: Many PCOS'ers use cinnamon to help with insulin resistance. It is similar to the popular PCOS drug, Metformin.
• Soy Isoflavones: Soy Isoflavones has been called the herbal clomid. And it's taken in a similar manner, usually cycle day (CD) 5-9 then stopped for the rest of the cycle. If you take it the entire cycle it can do the opposite of what you want.
• Evening Primrose Oil: EPO helps produce more fertile quality cervical mucus. EPO should only be taken from menstruation to ovulation. This is because EPO can cause uterine contractions in pregnancy.
• Calcium/Vitamin D: These two are similar to the Fish Oil... they are both just plain-out good for you! And if you're trying to get pregnant, then you obviously want to be your healthiest.
• Wild Yam: Some say that Wild Yam and help increase progesterone. And many others say that it doesn't. I took this for a while but then I switched to Natural Progesterone Cream.
• Natural Progesterone Cream: I did have some luck and my period started a few times with this stuff. It's super thick and you have to rub it into your skin for like two weeks (I forget now, please look it up) and then stop. Then your period will start. And like I said... sometimes, mine did. It has also been used to prevent miscarriage.
• Black Cohosh: This is used toward the beginning of a cycle to balance hormones (estrogen). It should not be used during the luteal phase because of possible miscarriage.

Now... listen carefully here... I am not a doctor! Don't be stupid and take all these pills just because I mentioned them in my blog. Many woman use these herbals sucessfully, but they use them correctly.
If you're interested in trying any of these, do your research!! I spent hours and hours looking up each of these to make sure I was taking them at the right time during my cycle and at the right dose. And there are still allergy issues! So don't be stupid.
If you have any concerns, talk to a doctor. A real one... not an internet one.

Ok, back to my organizing.

First YouTube video!

I'm excited to present my first YouTube video.

It's about our journey trying-to-conceive so far... it's just to get you on the same page. 

I tried to keep it fairly short... but it is a five year history!

Enjoy and please subscribe to my channel so you can be updated on new videos!

When I Grow Up

ca·reer [kuh-reer]  – noun
a person's progress or general course of action through life or through a phase of life, as in some profession or undertaking.


When we are children we are often asked what we want to be when we grow up. As children, there are so many basic answers (we don’t yet know that there are thousands of choices); fireman, teacher, astronaut, nurse, doctor... maybe even tattoo artist.
Then as we get older and a little more realistic, our answers become more like paleontologist, lawyer, math teacher, computer programer... and maybe still, tattoo artist.

When I was young I wanted to be an actress. I don’t remember anything other than wanting to be an actress... up until I was in high school.  This is quite laughable now because I have no desire to act AT ALL! Part of me would like to be a singer-songwriter (and honestly, I was once), but acting is not really me. Now my friend, DeeDee... she’s a real actress. She’s in plays all the time and she even went to New York to try and make it big. She’s back in North Carolina now, but she is still a real-life actress.

As a teenager, I really couldn’t make up my mind what I wanted to be. But I knew how the system worked; Must. Go. To. College. Almost everyone in my senior class was planning on going to college and I wasn’t gonna miss out on the fun. I eventually decided that I wanted to do special effects makeup for movies. After some research, I learned that it helps to have a degree in cosmetology (especially in the skin care field). So I decided to first go to cosmetology school then move to California and attend a special effects school.
This plan did not work out... life happened and I ended up in a community college studying music education. And I only lasted one semester (I dropped out).

After that I worked at a bakery and eventually as a writer for a newspaper. A few more jobs later and I’m now in customer service. And despite, I’m not at all interested in going back to college. Most people are working in a field other than their college degree. And many people are working superb jobs with no degree. Of course, there are those jobs where you need a degree; teacher, nurse, doctor, astronaut.

I’m not sure what I’m getting at with all this... it could really be just late-night ramblings (it’s almost 2 in the morning).
But I look back sometimes, wondering if the right choices were made and these days, I have no regrets. I’m not an actress. I never mastered the beautiful art of special effects (or a prom up-do). I no longer write art & entertainment articles. I don’t frost doughnuts. I don’t flip burgers.
I’m simply a customer service representative... oh! and I sew bags from my own patterns.

That’s it. And that’s okay with me.