Thursday, May 11, 2017

Loss & Heartache on Mother's Day

Sadly, Mother’s Day is full of painful emotions for me. Before I became a mother, I had trouble with the day because I’m estranged from my own mother. Even before I stopped talking to her, I had trouble picking out the right card. Mother’s Day cards are full of beautiful emotions about how wonderful your mother is and how much you appreciate her. I didn’t have a nurturing mother. Instead, I had a mother that would take but never give and there just wasn’t a card out there that said “thanks Mom for not sucking the life out of me… yet!” After we stopped talking, I then dealt with guilt on Mother’s Day. I knew I did the right thing, cutting off someone that was toxic, but society tells you that you’re supposed to love your mother, no matter what. Thankfully, that guilt has now passed, as I no longer worry about her. Now I am a mother and now I have my own experiences to cope with.
The first Mother’s Day I celebrated as a new mom, I had two babies growing inside me. Our girl and boy were expected that November and after spending years struggling with infertility, hating that I wasn’t a mother, I finally was a mom! It was a beautiful Mother’s Day filled with hope and love for the lives that we finally grew with the help of IVF. 



Unfortunately, that was the one and only “perfect” Mother’s Day I will ever have. Almost two months later, I lost my twins due to incompetent cervix. Their loss was a death of hope. It was practically the death of me, the pain being almost impossible to live with.
The very next Mother’s Day I was lucky to have my third child growing within. This boy, Lincoln, was a miracle baby that was conceived on the tail-end of tragedy. My husband and I often say that this little boy saved us… not knowing what may have happened if we had to continue to mourn the loss of our twins, with no hope of ever having more children. That Mother’s Day, Lincoln was set to be born just four weeks later. And even though I had my miracle swirling and kicking me from the inside, I was had two holes in my heart shaped just like my twins. I hid the entire time in my room. I cried practically all day long. I was miserably sad because this wasn’t what a Mother’s Day was supposed to be like. Children aren’t supposed to die first. 
Last year was my third Mother’s Day. It went better since I had an almost one-year-old in my arms. He can be quite a distraction from a broken heart. But still and forever, I was missing two of my children. And that is how it will be for every Mother’s Day for the rest of my life.
Forever, I will be missing handmade gifts from two little souls. Forever, I will be missing hand-picked dandelions from the yard. Forever, I will be missing burnt toast and chewy eggs that were made with love from their tiny hands. Forever, I will be missing greeting cards from them. Forever, I will be missing phone calls from them. Forever and ever. 

I cherish my living child and I cherish that he made me a mother again. I cherish the Mother’s Day gifts, flowers, burnt food, cards and phone calls he will give me. But his birth was not a replacement for the children I loss, it was it’s own miracle. So I am accepting that I will never be able to have a “perfect” Mother’s Day because my arms will forever ache to hold them again. There is no way to replace my beautiful twins. And there is no way to forget that they are supposed to be here too.

Please check out these resources below for grieving parents. They all have helped me over the past few years.