The End of the Road?

This last cycle was a bust. And right now, I'm not sure if we are gonna keep going.

Money is a big issue. We still have enough for a few more cycles, but the reasonable side of us is wondering if this is a good way to spend the rest of our savings?

Patience and emotions is the other issue. I'm tired. And so sad. And I'm not sure where to go from here.

But I still cling to the desire to see our faces in our children. To conceive one, to birth one, to name one. One of us.

Just one.

Cake of Defeat

Today I received a trifecta of bad news.

And even though any smart woman would prepare for the worst, I still was shocked.

Not only did I get a negative pregnancy test, but Aunt Flo showed up... and my HCG/Beta test results were less than 1ml.

My hubby and I had decided weeks ago that despite the news I was gonna be able to enjoy a little piece of paradise when I found out how our cycle turned out. I'm a big fan of cake, and since I've been on a low-carb diet for months, my choice was to be able to enjoy a piece of cake after hearing my news.

Days ago, I went to the bakery of our grocery store and purchased a single piece of cake, knowing the fate of our cycle would soon be revealed. I tucked it away in our fridge until the right moment.

But this morning, after receiving very bad news, I couldn't stand the thought of that cake.

I wanted so badly for it to be victory cake. I even picked out a tasty version so I could share the victory cake with my husband. In the end (and because I was hungry), I slowly ate my cake of defeat. It was tasty, I'm sure, but I barely noticed.

I'm waiting to hear from my doctor about where to go next. Minus the BFN, my cycle was perfect. I don't know how else to make it better, so I guess we'll try the same meds again and hope our timing works in our favor.

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Ekeko Better Work His Mojo

Recently, my husband reveals that if I really want a baby then I need to find a miniature baby and give it to Ekeko along with an offering.

I was thinking the same thing you are readers... "what?"

He then points out the little porcelain man-doll-thing that his father brought to us when he visited this past December from Bolivia. I remember both of them explaining Ekeko way back then, but I had completely forgotten. In the past few weeks, I've been unpacking boxes from our recent move and Ekeko finally came out of the crumpled papers and into a place of honor in our home.

Señor Ekeko with my offering in his mouth.

So before I tell you what happened next, let me explain our little friend.
Ekeko is an icon of prosperity from South America. It's really popular in Bolivia and Peru and the way my father-in-law explained it, pretty much everyone has one in their home.
Ekeko has all kinds of things tied to him (money, food, a little house) and these things are suppose to be abundant in your home... IF you give Ekeko an offering. Yes, you have to suck up a little bit before he'll help you out.

So, back to my conversation with my hubby... he says I need to find a tiny baby to attach to Ekeko and then stick a cigarette or money in his mouth.
"Can it be a little print-out of a baby?" I asked.
"No, that doesn't count. It has to be a miniature baby."
I pressed on... "so if the baby is too big we might get a giant baby? That's not ok."
"Well I suggest you go to Dollar Tree and see if they have any babies."
"Yeah! I bet they have some that can be put on cakes for showers or something!" I now had a plan! If giving that little porcelain doll helps me get pregnant, then what was I waiting for!

The rest of the Caucasian babies.

It took a few weeks and a few stops but I eventually found a little bag of fair-haired Caucasian babes at Wal-Mart (my least favorite place in Hell). There were six in a bag for a $1 and even though they were really White, I knew I could take them home and darken their hair with a permanent marker.
So as soon as I got home, I found a brown marker and made one of the babies Hispanic. When you look close, you can tell this babe has had a bad hair-dye job.

I want to put some "Baby Got Back" message here... can't help it, I'm a jokester.

There wasn't a good place to attach the mini baby, so I just squeezed it in near the house Ekeko carries on his back. I also went to great measures to make sure that Ekeko only saw one baby. I don't want him to get the wrong idea and give us six babies at a time (or really six babies total). So I hid the other babies out of his sight... hopefully, he doesn't get wind of this blog post.

After strapping that baby on I put a $100 bill in Ekeko's mouth (we don't smoke) and looked him straight in his painted-on eye and said "Alright dude, I gave you a lot of money, so do your thing and give me a child!"

If you're laughing right now, that's okay. It's hard to tell how Ekeko is gonna spin this. At the worst it will be a waste of $101 dollars and the time it took me to shop for plastic babies and color their hair brown. Somewhere in the middle, Ekeko could have some fun with me and give me sextuplets with ginger hair.

And there is the best-case-scenario... Ekeko could come through (and my husband would be correct) and we can have a sweet little Hispanic baby just like I asked.

Two days away from testing... we'll see if he comes through.